At my work, I participate and co-lead two different women’s groups. The objective of these groups is to help women network, grow and develop. While I must admit to being skeptical at first – since these sometimes feel contrived this one has been helpful and I’ve always walked away with new perspective.
During our last one, we talked about Women & the Confidence gap. One of our participants found this article and it became the starting point to our conversation.
Some of the comments that stuck out to me were:
1. Reach in with both hands– one of our coworkers shared a story where she purchased candy for the kids in her neighborhood. When the boys came they reached in with both hands and walked away with heaping quantities. When they girls came, they each took one piece (even after she told them they could have their fill, they tentatively grabbed one more piece). This is partly because women are brought up being rewarded for following the rules and being “good”. This analogy made me think about times that I worried more about following the rules and the way things are done vs. trying to chart something new.
2. Fear of Failure – When boys break the rules or are otherwise rowdy in school – they get reprimanded. In their relationships with other males, they insult and harass each other. What the article claims this creates is a person who is not so worried or hung up by failure/rejection. In contrast, women feel horribly uncomfortable when they are not perfect. When it comes to a new role, men will raise their hands even if they don’t have all the requirements while women don’t unless they completely qualify. Stretching roles are where one learns the most and those usually help one’s career.
3. Fake it till you make it – Confidence can be learned, practiced, delivered – even if one is not feeling confident. One (female) P&G General Manager told her female mentees that they should answer the questions that High level Management asked even if they weren’t 100% certain of the answer. When she started doing this, she realized that the majority of time her answers were correct. When they weren’t, she sent a follow up note with any corrections. Her point is that we don’t trust our own gut and knowledge enough -and that we know more than we think.
3. Don’t apologize when it’s not your fault – Women tend to assume the blame when things go wrong and credit circumstance and other people for their success (men do the opposite). The other day, I had promised my boss I would send him a document by the end of that day. In order to send him the document, I had to wait until a coworker sent me a critical piece. My coworker sent me the final piece at 11pm and I sent my boss the final document by midnight. When I spoke to him the next day, I found myself apologizing! I was not about to blame my coworker but it wasn’t really my fault – so why did I take the blame? After reading the article, I realized that I apologize a lot, even for things that are clearly not my fault.
” It’s not enough to keep one’s head down and plug away, checking items off a list. Having talent isn’t merely about being competent; confidence is a part of that talent. You have to have it to excel.”
I certainly don’t feel confident all the time, but given how confidence is closely correlated with success (along confidence) – it’s definitely something I will be giving closer attention to.